Health Topics for Mental and Emotional Health

Department of Psychiatry

Spouse abuse

Spouse abuse happens in all kinds of relationships. Husbands abuse wives and wives abuse husbands. Homosexual relationships are not an exception. Race does not make a difference. Income does not protect people from spouse abuse. Well-educated people can abuse and can be abused.

The most common form of spouse abuse is violence by men against women. Almost half of all women murdered in this country are killed by their husbands or boyfriends. Nearly 4 thousand die each year. In the United States, a man beats a woman every 15 seconds.

Abusers tend to follow the same pattern. Someone is unlikely to beat someone up on the first date. Most abusers are very nice at first. Then they start to seem a little too jealous. They may start putting the person down when they talk. Often the victim starts feeling worthless. Eventually, the violence begins. By that time, abused victims may feel like they deserve the abuse, or may blame themselves.

Many abusers feel guilty after the abuse. They may be very loving after it is over. They may promise that it will never happen again. But sooner or later, it will. Abusers almost always blame the victim. "It's your fault," they say. If only you would not do this or that, they would not have to hit you. Remember, it is never, ever, okay to hit another person, unless you are defending yourself from a physical attack. It does not matter what you say or do, no one has the right to hit you.

Abusive people generally learn these habits when they are young. They usually come from families where someone hit someone else. Alcohol is involved in many cases of spouse abuse. People under the influence of drugs and alcohol cannot think clearly. This does not mean that they are not responsible for their actions. It means that they need to work on their problems with drugs or alcohol as well as their problems with violence.

The more dependent you are on the abuser, emotionally or financially, the more difficult it may be to leave. Many abusers take advantage of this. Studies have shown that pregnant women may be at a higher risk for abuse. Many women feel they cannot leave an abusive boyfriend or an abusive husband because they are afraid he will hurt or kill them. But the chances of being killed are greater if they stay with an abusive partner than if they leave.

If someone hits you, even once, you need to take it very seriously. Do not let shame stop you from getting help. Do not put up with any kind of abuse. You do not deserve it. No one does. Call your local spouse abuse center or battered women's shelter for help. Contact a lawyer or local law enforcement agency to learn about securing legal protection from the abuser. In an emergency, call 911.

Last Reviewed 2005

Disclaimer: This content is reviewed periodically and is subject to change as new health information becomes available. The information provided is intended to be informative and educational and is not a replacement for professional medical evaluation, advice, diagnosis or treatment by a healthcare professional.

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